October 23, 2019
My life has been a series of various hurdles, from the sickness and death of my nanay, kuya, and tatay, to the diagnosis of my breast cancer, surgery, and chemotherapy.
I had believed and prayed for miraculous and instantaneous healing, but the answers were not what I had hoped. There are promises and prayers that I have been uttering and claiming for years that aren’t being answered yet.
Will I still hope? Will I still believe?
These are questions I kept asking God and myself. My heart grew sick as each day passed with hope deferred. My hope and joy were slowly vanishing. With every hurdle, I felt even more heartbroken and hopeless.
Then, after two years of treatment, I was declared cancer-free.
But, a major plot twist happened just last week. I was recommended to undergo MRI because of a nodule found in my brain.
What? In my brain? No!!! Not there.
I felt my heart stop. Wild thoughts ran through my head. I was staring out the window, then I covered my face with a pillow. I was crying quietly, not wanting to disturb my housemates.
Hopelessness and despair filled my heart once more. Heartbroken and hopeless, I felt a dark cloud hovering over me as tears flowed from my eyes. My heart was heavy with agony. How can I go on? I don’t have the strength to move or fight. I feel defeated and torn into pieces. Where will I go? What will I do? I feel so alone.
These were the cries of my heart.
Broken. Wounded. Ugly.
This was the image I saw in the mirror, barely recognizing myself. I didn’t want to go through the trauma of many hospital visits, being injected with needles, and the indescribable pain in my body.
“Lord, help me!” I cried desperately. Then I read the passage in Isaiah 6:10:
“Make the heart of this people dull,
and their ears heavy,
and blind their eyes;
lest they see with their eyes,
and hear with their ears,
and understand with their hearts,
and turn and be healed.”
I realized that I allowed my heart to be hardened, my eyes to be blind, and my ears to be deaf to God because I focused on my circumstances. So God reminded me of how He had covered me with His love and enveloped me in His warm embrace.
In each hurdle I faced, He showed Himself faithful even when I was faithless. He surrounded me with family and friends as an extension of His hands and feet. He showered me with His love and unexplainable peace.
He kept whispering to my ears, “You are not alone. I will take care of you. Do not be afraid for I will never leave you nor abandon you. I love you, My daughter.” He never failed to comfort me and secure me when I ran to Him.
I have seen and experienced His miracles and sustaining grace countless times, but my heart became hardened with fear, worry, anxiety, disappointment, and frustration. But as I felt God’s compassionate embrace, I began to repent and ask forgiveness for forgetting His abundant goodness and grace.
I asked Him to open my eyes, ears, and heart once more to receive a fresh infilling of the Holy Spirit and claim His healing—physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Yes, there will be hurdles in this life, and each pain may cause us to be heartbroken and hopeless. But wounded hearts can be mended and our joy and hope can be restored because of the wounds and pain that Jesus bore for us on the cross.
God allowed His one and only Son, Jesus Christ, to be heartbroken and wounded so that we may have hope—the hope of healing and the restoration of faith and joy in Him.
But he was pierced for our transgressions;
he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
and with his wounds we are healed.